


like something out of a goddamn horror movie

by orphan_account



Category: South Park
Genre: M/M, Thunderstorms, craig's gang being dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 20:20:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11238462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The gang gets spooked when staying over at Tweek and Craig's new place on a stormy night.





	like something out of a goddamn horror movie

"Marsh, would you take that shit off already?" Craig pleaded, putting a hand over his eyes and hoping to God no one saw he and Stan together. It seemed as though that kid got lamer by the fucking second. 

"Shut up, dude!" Stan said, clearly offended.

"Wearing eyeliner makes you look really gay, Stan." Craig said simply, willing the car to move faster. 

"Says the biggest fag in Park County." Eric Cartman interjected from where he was stretched out in the backseat, making the announcement like it wasn't something that fucking everyone already knew. 

This was just Craig's luck. It was his last class before the summer, his last day before he could move in with Tweek, and Stan fucking Marsh was the only person in town available to drive him to the University. And he'd brought his dumbass friend along. 

"I'm barely wearing any!" Stan defended himself. "And besides, Kenny told me it brings out the blue in my eyes." 

"Kenny was fucking with you, dude." Cartman said, sighing like he just could not believe the stupidity of the people around him. "Kenny's always fucking with you." 

"Seriously?" Stan whined. "I wore this on a date last week!" 

Craig was starting to think he should have just gone with his friends to the new place. Missing your final exam couldn't be that bad, could it? And all his real friends were probably having a great time on their ride. The house was out a ways, in a little patch of woods. It was small and a little run down, so they'd gotten it cheap. 

"Is this the test you're taking to become an astronaut or whatever the fuck?" Cartman asked, feigning boredom with a patently forced yawn. He'd always thought Craig's career path was pretty cool, but he would never admit that.,

"Aerospace engineer." Craig corrected. "And no, not really. It's an English exam." 

"Oh." Cartman said, slouching a bit. "Weak, dude." 

Craig's phone went off then, filling the car with an excerpt from the soundtrack of Craig's favorite scary movie. It was the best part, the violin that played right when the aliens were peering in the protagonist's windows. He'd seen it with Tweek last spring who, naturally, had almost gone into cardiac arrest. But the sex they'd had after the movie was good, so it was worth taking him. 

"Hello?" Craig spoke into the phone, cradling the device with his other hand to provide a little privacy. 

"Hey, Craig." Tweek said softly from his end of the line. 

"How are you, baby?" 

Pet names always sounded ridiculous in Craig's nasally voice but with Tweek, he couldn't really help himself. He also quite often found himself saying "sweetheart" and "angel". 

"Baby?" Cartman cooed mockingly. "Be careful, Tucker, or you'll start talking with a lisp and carrying around a chihuahua in your pink purse." 

Craig blushed just a little at the comment, and he hoped the car's lighting kept the others from seeing it. Tweek ignored the interruption as Cartman cackled maniacally at his own joke. 

"I'm okay. I miss you." He said, and Craig could hear the tiny little smile in his quiet voice. 

"I miss you more. Is the drive going okay? Has Jimmy made a bunch of stupid jokes?" Craig asked, poking fun at their long time friend. 

Tweek laughed, and Craig imagined the cute way his tongue poked from in between his teeth when he did that. 

"Yeah, naturally. The guys wanted to say hi to you, actually. I'm gonna put you on speakerphone." 

"Go ahead." Craig said, smirking at the picture of his obnoxious friends clamoring to greet him. 

"Hi, Craig!" Clyde yelled through the phone. "You should've come with us, we're having such a great time! It's lit!" 

"Oh my god, Clyde." Token said. "Stop saying 'lit'. And hey, Craig. We miss you, bud!" 

"Hey, you guys." Craig said, unable to suppress a smile. "Where's Jimmy?" 

"I'm right h-here, Craig! Tell Cartman I said to f-f-fuck off!" 

"Fuck you, Jimmy!" Cartman yelled into the phone as Stan and Craig laughed. 

"Okay I can see the school building now, so I'm gonna have to let you guys go." Craig told his friends. 

"Alright, give me one sec." Tweek said, switching off speakerphone. "Okay, there we go. Good luck on the test, Craig. I love you, bye." 

"Thanks, love you too. Bye!" Craig said, ending the call. He wished Tweek had called earlier, so they'd gotten more of a chance to talk. 

"Was that phone call really necessary?" Cartman asked rudely. "Didn't you guys just see each other like, last night?" 

"Are you serious?" Craig asked. "You used to blow up Kyle's phone with texts during every class you didn't have together. Even if he was right next door." 

Cartman's cheeks were tinged with rose. 

"Yeah, well. Whatever." 

"Wait, fuck!" Craig exclaimed suddenly, slamming a palm to his forehead at his own forgetfulness. "Stan, do you have any plans after this? Besides driving me two hours away, that is. Thanks again for that, by the way." 

"Uh, no. What the problem, dude?" 

"I wanted to get Tweek flowers." Craig said, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. "As like, a housewarming gift. To celebrate." 

"What? Flowers?" Cartman asked. "Tweek doesn't want flowers, Craig! He wants you inside his tight asshole. Give him what he wants!" 

Craig blushed for the second time. He didn't understand why Cartman felt the need to be so vulgar just to get attention. 

"Shut up, fatboy." 

"Anyway, yeah. It's no big deal." Stan assured him. "I can take you to the florist and then to the house." 

"First of all: gay." Cartman said, ever opinionated and rolling his eyes. "Second of all: remind me again why the hippie has to be your personal chauffeur all afternoon?" 

"Tweek sold his car for house payments and stuff." Craig explained. "So the guys are taking mine." 

"How far along should they be about now?" Stan asked conversationally. 

"Who cares?" Cartman said before Craig could respond. "But wherever they are, things are definitely lame as fuck." 

Well, yeah, Craig thought. But that kind of went without saying. 

 

••••

Token slammed on the brakes of Craig's dad's old pick up truck, sending Clyde face first into the dashboard. 

"Ow!" Clyde whined, already beginning to pout. 

"Jesus, asshole!" Tweek squawked from the backseat, clutching at Jimmy's shoulder and squeezing his eyes shut. Token waited a moment before once again pressing a foot to the gas pedal. 

"Sorry!" He said sincerely, making eye contact with Tweek in the rear view mirror to assess the situation. "Everybody okay?" 

"I'm fine." Tweek replied, waving a hand in the air dismissively in a vain attempt at playing off his earlier outburst. 

"I wouldn't have had to stop so quickly if I'd seen that guy any sooner!" Token explained, eyes now firmly on the road.

Tweek's own eyes widened, glancing around to gauge the reactions of his friends before he got himself too freaked out. 

"What guy?" He asked, shoving both hands under his thighs so he didn't start pulling at his hair. If Craig was here, he'd be running a comforting hand across Tweek's shoulder blades. 

"You didn't see him?" Token asked, totally confused. "The guy in the suit jacket? He walked right in front of us, you couldn't have missed him!" 

"I didn't s-see him either, Token." Jimmy admitted. 

"You guys, I hit my head pretty hard!" Clyde exclaimed, looking seconds away from bursting into tears. "Don't any of you care?" 

Token reached out a hand with an apologetic smile and ruffled his friend's hair affectionately. 

"You okay, buddy?" He asked. 

"I think I'm gonna be okay." Clyde sniffed once. "But it really did hurt." 

Tweek rolled his eyes. 

"Yeah, whatever. Can we get back to the mysterious man walking alone in the rain?" He asked. Did no one else think that was weird? 

"I just couldn't see him because of the fog, Tweek. It's really not a big deal." 

"Y-yeah, Tweek." Jimmy agreed. "Don't worry about it." 

"You couldn't see him because of the fog?" Tweek asked incredulously. "Am I hearing you correctly? You couldn't see him through the dark fog settling over this quiet little town at fucking midnight? God, is that supposed to make me feel better?" 

"It's nowhere n-near midnight Tw-Tw-Tweek." Jimmy said. "And besides, we're gonna be there soon." 

"Oh, right!" Tweek cried sarcastically. "The cabin in the goddamn woods! Do you know how many horror movies are about various cabins in varying degrees of wood?" 

"At least, like, six." Clyde agreed. 

"Yeah, like C-Cabin in The W-Woods." Jimmy noted. 

"Exactly!" Tweek said, waving his hand wildly in Jimmy's direction. 

"But we're gonna be there with you tonight, Tweek!" Token pointed out. "And Craig's right behind us." 

Tweek let out one of his choked out shrieks, kicking the back of Clyde's seat like a kid throwing a temper tantrum. 

"What if Craig runs into that man, you guys? What if he puts on a ski mask and abducts him and chops him up into little pieces?" 

"And then sends you his hat in the mail!" Clyde adds, whipping around in his seat to stare at Tweek with wide eyes. 

"Clyde!" Token scolded before Tweek had the chance to scream. "Not helping!" 

"It could happen!"

"What if it's that one g-guy?" Jimmy suggested. "The guy in the paper who sh-sh-shot his whole family and set the house on fire?" 

"Dude!" Clyde exclaimed. "The cops haven't found him yet!" 

Tweek moaned, leaning his head back against the car seat and closing his eyes. Token rounded a corner and turned down a residential street, putting his headlights on to see through the dark. 

"Is this the place?" Clyde asked, peering out the window. "It's nice!" 

The row of houses they drove along were peak suburbia. Tacky decorations and bicycles in the nicely trimmed lawn. 

"Uh, no." Tweek said. "Just keep going straight. It's literally in the woods. You see those trees down there? Our house is right behind those. Well, not right behind. But close behind. Well, not that close but-" 

"Okay, Tweek." Token agreed. "Are you sure I'm allowed to drive my car back there?" 

"I mean, I guess so." Tweek said with a shrug, glancing around anxiously. "Just go right through here." 

The trees above loomed ominously above the car, as though ready to disclose their dark secrets at any moment. Tweek forced images out of his mind of all the frightening things that could be hiding behind the trees. 

"Look, there it is!" Clyde said, pointing ahead animatedly. Token hit the brakes. 

Sure enough, there stood a tiny little house. Even with the crooked porch and peeling green paint, Tweek thought it looked lovely. Finally, finally, finally, he and Craig could start a life together. Finally they could be alone in their perfect lovers' bliss. Had the house been falling down, it still would've looked like paradise. 

"Can we unpack in the morning?" Clyde asked, already whining. "You guys put some shit inside last weekend, right?" 

"Yeah, the bed and the couch. And the fridge. TV still has to be delivered, though. We can put stuff away in the morning." Tweek agreed. "Can you just pull in under that little awning, though? So our other shit gets a chance to dry." 

As Token obeyed his command, the others unbuckled their seat belts and looked expectantly out the windows. 

"It's still raining, guys." Token said when he'd pulled to a full stop. "So be prepared to run." 

"Sure, I love c-challenges." Jimmy said facetiously. Token cringed. 

"Sorry, dude. I'll help you to the door." He said. 

"Thanks, Token." 

"Are you ready to go, Tweek?" Clyde asked. 

Tweek nodded, bracing himself for the storm. They opened their doors in unison, bolting for the porch. 

"Man, this place is creepy!" Clyde commented. "You were right Tweek." 

Tweek was only half listening, humming in response as he helped Jimmy onto the porch. The wood creaked and swayed when met with the boys' collective weight. 

"Guys, did you see the bad news Craig sent to the group chat?" Token asked as Tweek fumbled with the key to the front door. 

"What? Bad news? Is Craig alright?" Tweek asked, panicking just as he got the door open. 

"Not really." Token said as the boys walked in a single file line through the door. "Stan brought his whole gang for the trip up here. He's sitting in the car with all four of them!" 

"Oh god, what a nightmare!" Clyde said, sincerely disgusted. "Like something out of a goddamn horror movie!" 

"Fo-for-f-for real." Jimmy agreed. "I can't s-stand those assholes."   
••••

If Craig had to hear another Lady Gaga song, he was going to jump out of this moving car and take his chances on the highway. He seriously should've just left with Tweek this morning. Skipping out on an exam could not possibly be any worse then being trapped in a car with these four. 

Hanging out with Stan's gang for any stretch of time wasn't a fate he would wish on even his worst enemy. Who, ironically, was probably Stan. 

Being within feet of South Park's biggest band of idiots was just asking for trouble. Craig was half surprised that he wasn't in space by now. Or deep in the throes of some transcontinental drug deal. 

"Let me pick the music now, fatass!" Kyle Broflovski yelled, heedless of the way his voice ground on Craig's nerves. "No one wants to listen to this crap!" 

"Ay! Just because this song doesn't adhere to your liberal agenda doesn't mean it isn't good! This artist happens to have received no less than three Grammy's, Kahl." Cartman argued. 

"I'm not even liberal, idiot!" Kyle said, raising the volume of his already insufferable voice. "So your argument doesn't make any sense!" 

"Oh, is that why Cartman doesn't make any sense?" Stan asked sarcastically. 

Craig smirked. He considered himself the king of deadpan humor, but Stan could definitely be a worthy candidate for duke. Uh, if royalty was elected, that is. And if he would take off that goddamn eyeliner. 

"You like Childish Gambino, Cartman!" Kyle insisted. "You're just being difficult cause it's me!" 

"Whatever gave you that idea, Kyle?" He asked, batting his eyelashes. 

Before they could go any further, everyone in the car felt an abrupt fall. Kyle gasped girlishly, slapping a hand across his mouth. 

"Shit!" Kenny cried from the driver's seat. "I think we popped a tire." 

"Are you serious?" Craig asked. "It's pouring rain out and we're still like 40 minutes away!" 

"Okay, Tucker, chill." Kenny advised him. "There's a gas station right there, and I have an extra tire." 

"You do?" Craig asked. 

"Of course!" Kenny said. "Mysterion always comes prepared. Now if any of you knows how to change one, we'll be all set!" 

The boys groaned. 

••••

"Butters isn't with them, is he?" Tweek asked, sitting cross legged on the new couch. "That would really push Craig over the edge." 

"I don't think so." Token said. "What, Craig hates Butters?" 

"Who doesn't?" Tweek asked, rolling his eyes. "He's so annoying!" 

"You really think so?" Clyde asked, looking hurt. "He's such a sweet kid!" 

"He's ok-kay." Jimmy said. "Better than when we were k-kids." 

"I think we're all better than when we were ki-" 

Tweek was cut off when the room went dark. He squealed. Token yelped. Jimmy gasped. Clyde screamed at the top of his fucking lungs. 

"I guess the power went out." Token said simply, keeping cool as always. "No problem."

"The killer cut the power lines!" Tweek cried, beginning to hyperventilate. 

"Hey, c'mon." Token said calmly, turning his phone's flashlight off. The others followed suit. 

"Don't be s-scared, Tweek." Jimmy said, scooting closer to him on the couch. 

The boys were pretty well versed on Tweek's anxiety at this point, after the years of helping him cope. They knew the ways in which his fears manifested themselves, and they knew how to help him relax. At least a little bit. 

"Craig will be here really soon, okay?" Clyde mumbled, awkward but well meaning. 

Tweek whimpered. Craig was pretty much the only person he wanted right now. Except for maybe his therapist. But Dr Calhoun would probably just tell him to call Craig. 

"What's going on with those assholes anyway?" Token asked. "What the hell is taking them so long?" 

"Messages aren't sending to Craig's phone." Tweek said, voice in barely a whisper as to stop himself from crying. "We have to barricade the doors!" 

"What?" Clyde asked, looking around to see if the others were as confused as he was. They were. 

"Why would we d-do that Tweek?" 

"So the guy who got Craig doesn't get us too!" Tweek insisted, seemingly unbothered by the tears streaming down his face. 

"Tweek, my man!" Token said, grabbing him by the shoulders. "Nobody got anybody! Craig is fine and so are all of us." 

Tweek took a deep breath, thankful for the way Token's grip kept him steady. The tile floor was cold, and he really didn't want to fall. 

"Right! Of course. I'm just being paranoid. Things just seem scary right now because of the storm." 

As though to accentuate his point, a bolt of lightning struck. 

"Jesus fucking Christ!" Tweek exclaimed, tearing out of Token's grip and towards the door. "I take it all back! We're gonna die!" 

Token sighed. So much for calming down. 

"Tw-tw-tweek!" Jimmy reprimanded, trying to lessen the inevitable anxiety attack. "What's the worst that could possibly happen?" 

"Haven't you guys ever heard of Cassie Stoddart?" Tweek asked, now completely removed from reality and any chance of calm. 

"Um, no?" Clyde replied, sounding frightened himself. 

"She was alone at night in a big, scary house in Idaho and do you know what happened to her?" Tweek asked, eyes practically bugging out of his head. 

"I'm g-guessing she was m-m-murdered." Jimmy suggested nonchalantly. 

"Yes!" Tweek verified. "She was stabbed 29 times with a kitchen knife! By these two guys she thought were her friends!" 

"Ugh! We don't want to hear about this, Tweek." Clyde said, flinching. 

"Yeah, for real." Token said. "And uh, don't you think you should stop reading all those true crime books? I mean, are those such a good match for you and your anxiety disorders?" 

"I'm not finished!" Tweek hissed. "Do you know what the killers did before Cassie was murdered?" 

He spoke again before anyone had the opportunity to guess. 

"They cut the power off! Sound familiar to anyone?" 

The boys glanced around at each other. They were now, admittedly, a little creeped out. They shuddered at the imagery Tweek had so graciously provided. 

"Well g-geez Tweek, who want to kill u-us?" Jimmy asked. 

Tweek considered that for a moment, thinking back to who they might have offended. He snapped his fingers. 

"Butters!" He exclaimed. "He knows we were talking about him and now he wants us dead." 

He groaned, clenching his teeth. 

"And he's gonna break into the house and stab us 29 times each and that's why we need to barricade the doors right now!" 

"Okay, wait a minute." Token said sticking an arm out to stop Tweek from heading toward the door. "Is Butters some kind of omnipresent force in this hypothetical scenario? How would he know we were talking about him, dude?" 

Tweek shoved both hands through his hair and tugged. 

"I don't know, Token! All I know is that we're going to die!" 

"Hey, don't be ridiculous. We're all perfectly safe. And also, I'm not scared of Butters. I don't think anyone is." 

There was a tapping sound then, subtle but chilling. It was coming from beside them, somewhere down the hallway. The hallway which was now completely darkened. 

"Do you fellas hear that too or am I just losing my m-m...my m-mind?" Jimmy asked.

"Oh, I hear it!" Tweek stage whispered. "We should've barricaded the doors when we had the chance. But no, no one ever listens to me!" 

"I'm starting to agree with Tweek!" Clyde whispered back. 

Token rolled his eyes. 

"You guys, I'm sure it's nothing." 

"Well, I think we should go c-ch-check it out." Jimmy whispered. "Just to be sure that's it nothing." 

"I'm not going down there!" Clyde said, gesturing toward the hallway. 

"No!" Tweek said, now even more panicked. "We all have to go! There's safety in numbers!" 

"Yeah, Tweek's right. We should all go." Token agreed. 

"You're even crazier than I thought if you think I'm going down that creepy ass hall, Tweek!" Clyde said. 

Tweek grabbed him roughly by the arm, digging in his uncut fingernails. 

"You can lead the way, Clyde." He hissed. 

"What?" Clyde asked, alarmed. Tweek pushed him forward. 

"Take my hand, Clyde." He growled. "We'll make a line. You take my other hand, Jimmy." 

Jimmy did as he was told, and Token took the back. The boys began creeping forward, following the mysterious noise. 

"This is just like that movie, the one where the killer is inside the house the whole time!" Clyde whispered, sounding on the verge of hysterical tears. 

"When A Stranger Calls." Tweek confirmed. "1979. And also that's nothing like this." 

"What are you talking about?" Clyde asked, offended. "This is just like that! We're in a dark house at night and there's a killer. Probably. There's probably a killer. And he's probably inside the house." 

"Yeah, but we don't have any kids with us. We're four grown men." 

"So what?" 

"I just don't understand why you're so adamant about comparing our situation to that specific movie. Is it just because it gained such notoriety? There are a lot of other movies that are-" 

"Guys!" Token scolded. "I think it's coming from inside this room." 

"Okay." Tweek whispered, steering Clyde toward the room's entrance. "This is me and Craig's bedroom." 

"Aw, really?" Clyde complained. "Your room is so nice, why does it have to be haunted?" 

"Haunted? Who said anything about haunted?" Token asked. "I thought we were looking for a masked intruder." 

"Well, what's the difference?" 

"You're telling me you don't see a difference between supernatural beings and serial killers? One is immortal!" Tweek insisted. 

"What, you think you could kill a serial killer?" Clyde asked doubtfully. 

"It's four against one!" 

"Yeah, but it's one psychopath against four pussies!" 

"Uh, make that three pussies and one super suave dude who's also very collected and not all that scared." Token corrected from behind them. 

Tweek and Clyde ignored him. 

"So why are we even so scared then? If Tweek can fight a serial killer off with his bare hands!" Clyde said, voice dripping with sarcasm. 

"I didn't say that!" Tweek argued, annoyed. "All I'm saying is that ghosts are scarier." 

"You can put your hand right through them, Tweek!" 

"You guys, look at this." Token interrupted calmly, walking towards a window. 

There was a tree branch hanging in front of it, tapping at the glass. 

"I guess this is what you losers were so scared of." Token said, laughing. "Let's go back to the living room." 

"Fine." Tweek huffed, embarrassed that he'd made such a fuss over nothing. "But I still don't trust this house." 

••••  
"It's kind of spooky out here tonight, isn't it?" Kenny asked, addressing the group. "Even this gas station is pitch black. Makes your mind wander a little, doesn't it?" 

"Quit trying to scare us, Ken." Kyle scolded, wrapping his arms around his torso and shivering "Just fix the tire and let's get out of here." 

"Sorry, Ky. Force of habit." 

"What do you mean, 'force of habit'?" Craig asked. 

"Creeping someone out with scary stories is one of the top ten ways to get them to sleep with you. Sometimes I'll take girls somewhere and pretend the car broke down. I start to talk about how dark and scary the woods are at night, and soon enough she's all over me." Kenny explained. 

"That's kind of gross, McCormick. And manipulative." Craig said. 

"That's not what Tweek said last month when I was fucking him in that backseat of my Prizm." Kenny retorted with a grin. 

Craig scowled. He knew Kenny was joking, but he didn't like having to picture his boyfriend being fucked by anyone else. Especially the town's biggest whore. Kenny probably had like, six STDs. At least. 

"Just kidding, Tucker." Kenny assured him. "And I don't really do that car thing either. Unless the car really does break down, then it's fair game." 

"Will you shut up about your sex life for five seconds, Kenny?" Kyle practically shrieked. "It's insensitive considering I'm freezing my balls off out here and will probably never have any again!" 

"Again?" Cartman scoffed. "Let's not pretend you aren't a virgin, Jew." 

"I am not!" Kyle said defensively. "And anyway, give me your jacket." 

"Excuse me? Why the fuck would I do that?" 

"Because you have an extra layer of blubber!" Kyle explained. "Not all of us can be so lucky to morbidly obese!" 

"Fine, asshole! Here!" 

Cartman tanked his red hoodie over his head and tossed it at Kyle's chest. Kyle looked surprised that that had actually worked, and pulled it on. 

"Craig, have you texted the guys to let them know we'll be late?" Stan asked. 

"I just keep getting message send failure alerts." Craig explained. 

"Well, I'm sure they haven't even noticed the time." 

••••  
"It's 12:37 am and Craig still isn't here!" Tweek whined, looking desperate. "He's dead, I know he's dead!" 

"Tweek, there are a million reasons besides being dead that he might be a little late. His exam could have run longer than he expected it to. Guys, suggestions, please?" Token asked helpfully. 

"Maybe the c-car broke down." 

"Maybe Cartman made them stop and get KFC." Token suggested. 

"Yeah, or maybe a guy with a hook hand ran into them and they got slashed." Clyde said mildly, not looking up from his phone. 

"Clyde!" Token admonished, horrified. 

Clyde looked up, glancing back and forth between his friends. 

"Wait, what were we supposed to be doing?" He asked, looking lost. 

"Oh, nevermind!" 

"It's okay, Token." Tweek assured him. "You're probably right about me being paranoid. Nothing is gonna get us." 

"Yes, thank you!" Token said, relieved. "Everything is totally fi-" 

All at once there was a crash of thunder a banging at the door. The boys each instinctively grabbed onto Token, the most muscular of the group, for comfort. 

"This is it, you guys!" Tweek squealed. "I take back what I said before! I was right about everything and you guys are idiots!" 

"Clyde, go get the baseball bat from the kitchen!" Tweek hissed. 

Clyde nodded, and raced to the other room. Jimmy held out one of his crutches like a weapon. Token rolled up both his sleeves. The banging and pushing at the door continued. 

"Whoever it is, I think Tweek is probably right." Token whispered. "We can take him." 

Clyde returned from the kitchen with the baseball bat in one hand and a banana in the other. 

"Why did you take a banana out of our fruit bowl?" Tweek asked confusedly. 

"I didn't want to be the only one without a weapon!" Clyde explained. "Why do you keep a baseball bat in your kitchen?" 

"For this exact occasion!" 

"Clyde, do you think it m-m-means anything that you chose the most ph-phallic object in the room?" Jimmy asked. 

"No, dude. There's also a huge dildo in there. Just chilling." Clyde whispered back. 

With that, the front door swung open. Tweek covered his face with both arms and prepared himself for the worst. The door opened to reveal...Craig and the other guys standing on the porch soaking wet and mad as hell. 

Tweek catapulted himself at Craig on instinct, and Craig just barely caught him, swinging his boyfriend above the ground for a few seconds before waking inside, Tweek's legs still wrapped around his waist. 

"Jesus, Craig! We thought you were gonna kill us!" Tweek yelled, draping his arms around Craig's neck. "Why didn't you just open the door with your key like a fucking normal person?" 

"I lost the key." Craig explained. "Why didn't you guys just answer the door when we knocked like normal fucking people?" 

"I guess we couldn't hear you over the storm." Clyde said. "And our own screams of terror." 

"Yeah." Token agreed. "We also left the room at one point to inspect a tree branch." 

"Naturally." Kyle said sardonically, picking wet leaves off of Cartman's hoodie. 

"Did you guys break our door off the hinges to get in, then?" Tweek asked, now more concerned about his home maintenance than the idea of a serial killer slashing he and his friends to bits. 

"Uh, no." Craig said. "Kenny remembered that he can pick locks." 

Kenny waved, flashing a toothy grin and a bobby pin he apparently kept lying around. 

"I also got you these." Craig said, producing a bouquet of flowers from behind his back. 

"For me?" Clyde asked in joking flirtation. 

"Fuck off." Craig said, handing them to Tweek and planting a kiss on his lips. "Are you gonna get this scared every night, baby?" 

"Nah." Tweek said, shrugging and lacing their fingers together. "Not if you're here." 

"Oh, gross!" Cartman said, wrinkling his nose. 

"I can't believe you guys got so scared just because of a little storm." Stan said, smirking. 

"Hey! It wasn't just that!" Clyde said. "There was a combination of elements!" 

"Was one of those elements the fact that you guys are totally lame?" Kyle asked. 

"Yeah!" Cartman agreed. "We've always been way braver than you wusses." 

"That's not even true!" 

"Yeah? Prove it!" 

"How?" 

"Go summon Biggie Smalls in the mirror! If you chicken out, then it proves you're all a bunch of pussies!" 

"Wait, go do what?" Craig asked, needing a whole lot of clarification. 

"You'll see." Tweek said, squeezing his hand. 

The others were already racing to the bathroom, and Tweek could only hope they weren't all planning on spending the night. But knowing them, they probably were.


End file.
